As a child, I was a shy youngster and often relied upon my mom to speak for me, extending friendship invitations and the like. And, except for being an only child/spoiled brat, I was generally a mild-mannered compliant goody-two-shoes.
Somewhere along the line that changed. I’m not sure when, but I have memories of things uttered by the new (and not necessarily improved) me. Read along for a brief history of random things I might have said.
While I am aware that I had gradually developed a penchant for flippancy, the first specific memory I can conjure up at the moment involves being a young college student back in the hippie days, my reticent self, at a predominantly male gathering wherein the guys were bent on embarrassing me. Soooo…when one brashly asked, “Do you believe in free love?” I responded, “Not as long as other people get paid.” Met by silence. Felt kinda good. The birth of smart-aleckism!
As young adult, phoning the garage to find out about the status of my car’s brake repair job, the young man on the phone told me, “Bob hasn’t been able to find shoes for it.” So I blithely responded, “Can’t he even find socks?” Again, silence. Hehehe……
Years ago (many), before our antique house had a full basement put under it, it was a partial basement with a dirt floor and a curb wall. Waterproofing telemarketers would call and ask, “Do you have trouble with water in your basement?”…to which I’d respond, “No. It comes in through the walls and goes out through the floor. No problem at all.” There would be silence, a stammered thank you, and the soft click of the phone hanging up. It was fun.
Going through a McDonald’s drive-through to let my friend pick up supper for her husband (since we had been out gallivanting all day….does anyone ever say “gallivanting” any more?), my friend told me to order “two big Mackies and a fishy-poo.” So I did. (Smile, chuckle.) Silence.
Again at McD’s drive-through, I noticed the following statement on the marquis, “If you can’t read this, please come to the window for help.” So I went to the window and told the young lady to let management know that, “If I can’t read this, how will I know to ask for help?” (Point taken.)
Yet another McD’s experience involved bacon egg and cheese biscuits which I’d order on the way to work. Apparently McD’s grill cooks had never heard of trichinosis (the nasty parasite from undercooked bacon) and continued to produce bacon that could be used for a slingshot. No matter what the request — crispy, extra crispy, burnt, well-done, ad infinitum — the result was the same. Twaaaangg!! So one morning I finally, in exasperation, asked the person taking the order, “Can you please have them make sure the pig squeals at least once on its way across the griddle?”.
And…(.a classic)…..Years ago at the bike races, a burly spectator sported a t-shirt with the message “If you aren’t a Harley rider, you ain’t sh–.” Being both a motorcycle fanatic and a grammar grinch, I was conflicted, yet intensely tempted to point out that, grammatically, that meant “if you do, you are”. Wisely, I resisted!