What ever happened to learning via “natural consequences” and “logical consequences”? Somewhere along the line, despite loud proclamations from the general public that people have a right to choose, our choices are being taken away from us — and with our tacit permission. Once upon a time, people experienced the results of their actions and learned what does and does not work well. Moms would tell kids the stove was hot and tried to make it difficult to reach the burners, but if the unruly child burned his finger, he learned pretty quickly that touching the hot stove was … well, dumb!!
Much as we might like to save our loved ones and proteges from painful experiences, often those occasions present the best opportunity for learning and growth, And we need a bit of an ouch now and then to build the resilience that will serve to protect us when the going gets rough — much like scar tissue provides a barrier.
When babies venture forth to take their first steps, they are wobbly and subject to plopping down. (And nature has provided them with a bit of natural padding to soften those plops a bit.) If the baby is always totally supported, finding his balance will be frightening and difficult. It is that shaky step that allows him to learn the limits. Someday he will need to be able to walk alone, so he has to try it out and improve.
Somehow our society (in that “dumbing down of America”, perhaps?) has taken the position that we all need to be protected from ourselves. We have waged such a battle against bacteria that we now kill the good bacteria that our immune systems need to strengthen our ability to fight off infection. We protect people from the consequences of their actions so they don’t learn how to make sound choices. And, pursuant to that, we have somehow come to believe that everything must be the fault of something or someone else. We are led to believe that, if we commit an unconscionable act, it cannot be because we made a bad choice. It must be the bartender’s fault if I drink too much and harm someone. It must be the teacher’s fault if I get a bad grade in school. It must be the other guy’s fault if I lose my temper and slug him. It would, of course, never be my fault that I decided to drink to excess, not study, and/or allow that guy to provoke me.
Our society has begun to legitimize bad behavior by naming it. What would once upon a time have been considered extremely rudeness and (yes!) stupidity while driving, is now “road rage”, something to which one can aspire. Think about the adjectives that are employed today to describe desirable things — “bad” and “sick”. Temptation has been present in the world for eons, but we were taught to resist it. There were shared societal expectations that people would respect authority, show kindness to others, take the “high road”. Where have those values gone, and how do we get them back?
Start with those baby steps. Provide protection, but allow for consequences. Foster opportunities for learning, growth, and accepting responsibility. Cherish choices, and support the positive ones. What have I learned from this particular choice? What might I have done differently? Start the dialogue. Lead by example. Strive for good. Embrace the Golden Rule.