Month: May 2023

As a child, I was a shy youngster and often relied upon my mom to speak for me, extending friendship invitations and the like. And, except for being an only child/spoiled brat, I was generally a mild-mannered compliant goody-two-shoes.

Somewhere along the line that changed. I’m not sure when, but I have memories of things uttered by the new (and not necessarily improved) me. Read along for a brief history of random things I might have said.

While I am aware that I had gradually developed a penchant for flippancy, the first specific memory I can conjure up at the moment involves being a young college student back in the hippie days, my reticent self, at a predominantly male gathering wherein the guys were bent on embarrassing me. Soooo…when one brashly asked, “Do you believe in free love?” I responded, “Not as long as other people get paid.” Met by silence. Felt kinda good. The birth of smart-aleckism!

As young adult, phoning the garage to find out about the status of my car’s brake repair job, the young man on the phone told me, “Bob hasn’t been able to find shoes for it.” So I blithely responded, “Can’t he even find socks?” Again, silence. Hehehe……

Years ago (many), before our antique house had a full basement put under it, it was a partial basement with a dirt floor and a curb wall. Waterproofing telemarketers would call and ask, “Do you have trouble with water in your basement?”…to which I’d respond, “No. It comes in through the walls and goes out through the floor. No problem at all.” There would be silence, a stammered thank you, and the soft click of the phone hanging up. It was fun.

Going through a McDonald’s drive-through to let my friend pick up supper for her husband (since we had been out gallivanting all day….does anyone ever say “gallivanting” any more?), my friend told me to order “two big Mackies and a fishy-poo.” So I did. (Smile, chuckle.) Silence.

Again at McD’s drive-through, I noticed the following statement on the marquis, “If you can’t read this, please come to the window for help.” So I went to the window and told the young lady to let management know that, “If I can’t read this, how will I know to ask for help?” (Point taken.)

Yet another McD’s experience involved bacon egg and cheese biscuits which I’d order on the way to work. Apparently McD’s grill cooks had never heard of trichinosis (the nasty parasite from undercooked bacon) and continued to produce bacon that could be used for a slingshot. No matter what the request — crispy, extra crispy, burnt, well-done, ad infinitum — the result was the same. Twaaaangg!! So one morning I finally, in exasperation, asked the person taking the order, “Can you please have them make sure the pig squeals at least once on its way across the griddle?”.

And…(.a classic)…..Years ago at the bike races, a burly spectator sported a t-shirt with the message “If you aren’t a Harley rider, you ain’t sh–.” Being both a motorcycle fanatic and a grammar grinch, I was conflicted, yet intensely tempted to point out that, grammatically, that meant “if you do, you are”. Wisely, I resisted!

Recently seeing a production of Tennessee Williams’ “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” conjured up a long-ago memory for me. Once upon a time I had the privilege of being cast as Mae (Sister Woman) in the show at a small local theatre. The venue was a pole barn, and staging was theatre-in-the-rectangle — essentially seating on all four sides of the stage area.

The final dress rehearsal was the night before the show opened, and we had a preview audience of senior citizens from local facilities who came equipped with umbrellas due to the heavy rain that evening.

This was our first show with an audience. The director had had fun with my character and that of Maggie and had us at each other throughout the play. The crescendo of this relationship culminated in the third act when I (Mae) backed Maggie down on the bed shrieking “How can you have a child by a man that won’t sleep with you? How can you? How can you?” … at which point, in surround sound, came a deep growling from the entire group of senior citizens who I feared were about to descend upon me and throttle me with their bumpershoots. Wow! What a way to discover you have been effective!

Another little memory has to do with the no-neck monsters, Mae’s children. One of the little boys had a penchant for unruliness, so, as we waited to go onstage, I would softly whisper to him a threat to cut his “tail” (a hairstyle popular in the 80s). No more problem with that kid!

And, to make it a bit more of a family-friendly production, the director changed Big Daddy’s outburst of “_ _ _ _ the #@!! preacher!” to “Rut the #@!! preacher!” … But the night we had the sign language interpreter, the deaf audience saw the original word.

Ah, memories…..

Hiking on a sprained foot is contraindicated as it will not unsprain the foot.

If someone at a barbecue asks you to keep an eye on the chicken, they probably actually want you to intervene should that chicken, say, catch fire.

It is inadvisable to soak your favorite plastic drinking cup in Zud if you are likely to forget the Zud is in it before drinking out of it the next time.

When in heavy rain, it is possible to use a large plastic trash bag as a raincoat, but be advised that the water will run down the plastic and soak into the legs of your jeans.