Slippy slidey slither: that is the sound of boobs sneaking around where you don’t want them to. When you’re younger, you don’t believe people when they tell you to wear support because your boobs will go south later on. (Think the 1970s when bras were burned and banished. Hahaha!!!) When you’re older, you can actually feel the boobs flatten out and leave the boundaries of the underwire. Slippy slidey slither…. Alas!
Crumb-catchers (boobs) and booby traps (bras) have a longstanding love-hate relationship history. Women want boobs to be attractive, as advertising would suggest they should be. Bras are purportedly designed to accomplish this task. However, neither boobs nor bras tend to behave the way we want them to. (There is actually a device called a “training bra”. Note: it is a flunkout course.)
Booby traps come in a variety of styles (as do boobs, but that’s another story). Of recent popularity is the molded bra. The success of this model depends on your ability to keep those pesky boobs contained in the cups. Otherwise, if slippy slidey slither occurs, you end up with a double row, the top row perched near the collarbone and the bottom two dangling near the waistline. One row of boobless bra; one row of braless boobs. Underwire bras pose similar issues when the semicircular wires meet in the midsection of a sizable woman sitting down. The belly roll pushes up, the middle of the wires push out, and — voila! a third boob!!
Way back in junior high, young male students apparently found it amusing to sneak up behind young female students and snap their bra straps (a good way to get decked, by the way). Back in those good old days, bras were made with wimpy shoulder straps that were prone to breaking unexpectedly at particularly embarrassing times…like in a crowded hallway on the way to class. Ping! And fwop!! One boob up; one boob down! (This was a precursor to the molded-bra-double-row phenomenon.)
Additional hazards of underwire booby traps include the fact that, like boobs, the underwires do not always stay where you put them. Usually this occurs in a public setting which raises the challenge of how to handle the situation. The escaping wire can dive to into the armpit, an excruciating experience which causes telltale uncontrollable squirming and grimacing on the part of the wearer. Or it can pop up in the middle and work its way out of the fabric, cobralike, so that, if one is wearing a low neckline, weird and interesting entertainment is provided for any onlooker. (Tricky to explain.) If one surreptitiously tries to remove the underwire, you revert back to the situation of the aforementioned broken strap. One up and one down. Oops! (The second wire, of course, will never part with the bra.)
Hooks, simply stated unhook. By surprise. With embarrassing results. Enough said!
And, last but not least (and if you don’t trust my information try watching one of the YouTube videos of women trying out – and then trying to get out of – this torture device) is the one-piece all-elastic garment touted as “one-size-fits-all” — NOT! This modern torture device is capable of rolling itself into a thick rubber band which can act as a garotte around your midsection. Not good! It cannot be cut off with ordinary scissors. Perhaps wire cutters (even though its selling point is that it contains no wire)?
Boobs and booby-traps. Slippy slidey slither…. And the battle goes on….